


I Could Use The Words

by sdwolfpup



Series: Can't Remember To Forget You [1]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hints of future romance, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 08:44:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10590477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sdwolfpup/pseuds/sdwolfpup
Summary: "Why do humans spend so much time dwelling on things that will never be?"Ouch.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is post-Sloane vs. Reyes throwdown, having saved Sloane. I love Reyes but my character couldn't let it go down like that. And since I'm disappointed the relationship can't be rescued once it happens, I had to write out some "what happens next" fic.
> 
> Title from Sarah Harmer's "Capsized."

"SAM, darken the windows please."

The view of the planet outside went black as the lights in Sara's quarters came on low. They were headed to Kadara - _again_ \- and she didn't need to see it glowing soft and warm as they approached. As though the planet weren't littered with emotional landmines she stumbled on every time she set foot there. It felt like every mission ended up sending them this way eventually, or running into someone who knew Reyes. Shit, she'd met a Turian on _Elaadan_ who'd worked with him. What were the chances of that? 

It galled her, to miss Reyes whenever she heard his name or they sliced through Kadara's atmo. She was fine, mostly, the rest of the time. Too busy getting shot at and running around the universe helping people to spend more than the occasional moment feeling out the empty hole he'd carved into her heart like she was poking at a missing tooth. She'd saved his emails and regretted it every time she saw his name in her inbox, but she couldn't delete them. They were all that was left.

And this, too, galled her, this grasping desire to let her missing him override everything else: poker with Gil; Liam's easy laugh at Drack's cranky commentary; Suvi's bright smile whenever the team arrived back on the Tempest safe; and the broad, warm presence of Jaal at her side. Jaal, who was Reyes' opposite in every way: alien, honorable, bleeding his feelings and his truths like an open wound. She could _feel_ him waiting for her to let go of the "could have beens" and embrace the now. It's what an angaran would do.

But she wasn't angaran.

"Pathfinder."

Or an AI. "What is it, SAM?"

"Why do humans spend so much time dwelling on things that will never be?"

Ouch. "Need to teach you tact," Sara muttered, pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

"I understand the concept of regret, and of facing your feelings, but it would seem dwelling on what you could have done only hurts you."

An AI giving her therapy after a relationship ended because she didn't let her lover outright murder a woman Sara disliked was not a bend she'd expected her life to take, she had to admit that. "It does."

"Then why do you do it?"

The blue light of the SAM node on her desk lapped like waves at her feet. "Because sometimes the hurt is all you have, and once that's gone..."

"Did you love him?"

Sara frowned. "What kind of a question is that?"

"I have seen what your father did for love of your mother. I am trying to determine what steps you might take based on the extent of your feelings for Reyes Vidal."

"I'm not going to put him above my duties as Pathfinder. I won't let Reyes interfere with my work."

"Hm."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "Did you 'hm' me?"

"I am attempting to add more human-like conversational nuances into my interactions."

"Well...quit it. I like your straightforward talk."

"I am sorry."

"What did that 'hm' mean anyway?"

"I meant to indicate that I believe you believe what you are saying."

Sara snorted, felt the ship shudder under her feet as they landed. Kallo's voice filtered into her quarters: "We've docked at Kadara Port, Ryder. You can disembark when ready."

"Thanks, Kallo. You have the bridge." She pointed at the SAM node. "I'll get back to you later."

"But I will be with you on Kadara."

"Never mind," Sara sighed. She headed for the door, stopped when it didn't open right away. "SAM?"

"May I ask you one more question, Sara?"

"Of course." She didn't need to rush down to the planet anyway. She knew Reyes wouldn't be there, even though she'd feel the tug to double-check his room at Tartarus anyway.

"When will you be happy again?"

Blinking, Sara stepped away from the door to face the SAM node. "What?"

"You were happy when you were with Reyes, and you have not been happy since his disappearance."

"Yes I have."

"No, you have not."

She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. She would not argue with an AI about feelings. But could it be true? She thought she'd compartmentalized her anger and sadness at Reyes' abandonment, being her normal self around the others and only taking it out when she was alone. Was she leaking everywhere she went, like some hull-shot ship?

"Ryder." That was Jaal now on the intercom, and she felt herself relax under his deep voice. "Will you...need me on Kadara? I will come with you, of course, do not hesitate to ask me for it would be my great pleasure to join you. But I...have...work?"

Sara felt a laugh catch in her throat. At least Jaal still hated Kadara more than she did. "It's okay, Jaal, you can stay here. I'll take Drack and Vetra with me."

"Oh thank you. Thank you. You are a good woman, Sara Ryder. Safe trip."

"Does Jaal make you happy?"

"Don't start matchmaking for me, SAM. I'll deal with my relationships myself. Besides, as long as it doesn't interfere with my work, why do you care?"

"I am concerned for your emotional health, Sara. I," and there was, for SAM, a slight hesitation, "wish for you to be happy."

That brought her up short. "Oh." Sara blinked, but the SAM node simply buzzed and flashed quietly. "Thanks, SAM."

"You are welcome, Sara."

Sara felt her shoulders relax, and she poked at the hole in her heart to find it still there, but duller. Smiling, Sara tapped her fist on her leg. "Alright SAM, I'm ready to go."

"Ah," SAM said in a voice that sounded, somehow, pleased. The door opened.


End file.
